Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
