Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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