i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
