You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
