Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
