just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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