between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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