He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
