he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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