Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
