MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So squirting runs in the family.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
