She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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