so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
