i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
