I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
