i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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