I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
