The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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