I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
