there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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