Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish there were birth control emojis
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
