peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I supernannyed him into submission
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
