she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
