i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry about my life...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
