You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
