the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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