he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
