How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
