my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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