Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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