Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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