I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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