He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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