there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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