Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
