just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
