If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Help. Why am I so naked?
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