I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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