you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
