I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
