I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
foreskin is a definite game changer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
