okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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