then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
