I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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