im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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