If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
