I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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