a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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