The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
