I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
